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:iconmurderinslowmotion: More from murderinslowmotion


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Poetry or prose by Caelianna

Poetry by AriannaTheKeybearer

Literature by PureBloodxTomBoy


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Submitted on
November 26, 2012
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Daddy's little girl is getting put away; in the ground is now where she lays
He can't hold back the tears as they pour out from his eyes
As he thinks of all the reasons his daughters not alive
He jumps into her grave and cradles her in his arms
He didn't want this world to cause her any bit of harm
His little girl's not breathing, her heart now doesn't beat
He's holding her tight knowing, he'll never be complete
Everyone watches him cradle his dead girl,
Knowing he won't survive much longer in this world
It takes all of his strength to get out of her grave
And to listen to all the support all of his friends gave
He just couldn't believe he'd never see her happy face again
And he felt his life has come to a sudden end
He watched them close the coffin and pile the dirt up high
And inside every feeling wanted him to die
When everyone had left and he was on his own
He thought of all the days he was going to be alone
He missed his daughter so much; it hurt to take a single breath
And he couldn't think of anything but her slow and painful death
And as he walked home slowly thinking of his life
He had a plan and so he picked up the nearest knife
He's now standing next to me with a huge smile on his face
He holds me tightly in his arms in an eternal embrace
I havenít written a poem is a very long time, so this is just a practice run. I noticed I lose some of the rhythm half way through so how it started off is different to how it finishes but Iíll fix that up later. This is the third poem I've ever written so I know I have a few errors that need to be fixed but Iím pretty happy with it so far =)
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:iconba1223:
Ba1223 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I started crying.
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:icondinopigsfly222:
dinopigsfly222 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so beautfiul.
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
Thank you!
Reply
:iconcrumbledwings:
CrumbledWings Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
Awesome, i wish i had written something like this :D. The rhymes feel a little forced but it doesn't matter since its so emotional and well written.
:airborne:
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
Thank you so much! I plan to fix up the rhymes one day =)
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:iconthenameismouse:
thenameismouse Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
This is absolutely lovely :heart:
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Thank you!
Reply
:icondomofreak83:
domofreak83 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Filmographer
its touching really :o even though the rhythm gets a little iffy toward the end its a great poem for a practice run :) nicely done
Reply
:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Thank you so much! I'm sure I'll get better especially with all the amazing advice I'm getting =)
Reply
:iconjazzy444:
jazzy444 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student General Artist
This is very very good, but the rhythm changes in it make it difficult to read. It seems like you fixed it after it started to mess up, but then it changed again. All in all, it was still wonderful! :)
I suggest changing the word "survive" (line 9) to last, deleting the first "all" in line 11 and getting rid of the word "single" in line 18 for a start. Hope that helps some
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Thank you so much for your input! You’re the only person so far that has actually pinpointed what could be done differently to make the poem a little better. I plan to collect all the advice and then go through them and see which ones are the best ones to use. Thank you again =)
Reply
:iconjazzy444:
jazzy444 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student General Artist
Really?! That's a relief, I almost didn't because I didn't know whether you'd be annoyed or not but I'm so glad you aren't! I figured I might as well tell you and let you take it however you feel :) I can't wait to read the revised version! :D Again, it's a great story and very well executed :iconheart3dplz:
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
HaHa You're a cutie! I adore feedback, it is very helpfull. Just wondering, you gave me a llama? What's it for? I haven't been on DeviantART for a long time and it certianly seems that a lot has changed...
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:iconjazzy444:
jazzy444 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student General Artist
D'aw, thanks haha. Well I'm glad and hope it's helpful. The llama is for having a really great story and by the short conversation we've had, you seem to be a really nice person. You have potential, kiddo :P
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:iconsouleaterxmaka:
SoulEaterXMaka Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is awesome, simply awesome. I'm sure every father who's lost, or nearly lost, their daughter has felt this way.
Reply
:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Thank you, maybe that's why many father's like this poem =)
Reply
:iconsouleaterxmaka:
SoulEaterXMaka Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :')
Reply
:iconora981:
Ora981 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I love this poem! Very well written, I feel this relates to me somewhat. But it also doesn't at the same time... I know that didn't make much sense Sorry! ^^;
Reply
:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
I sort of understand what you mean lol. Thank you for your comment =)
Reply
:iconora981:
Ora981 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Your welcome! :D
Reply
:iconthe--working-wulf:
The--Working-Wulf Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
awesome
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Thank you =)
Reply
:iconthe--working-wulf:
The--Working-Wulf Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome, I like this a lot
Reply
:iconroguelucifer:
Roguelucifer Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student General Artist
I agree that the rhythm is off but I love the message either way <3 I've thought about suicide so much but I can't do it since it would hurt my dad more than I could ever
Reply
:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Oh sweetheart, what’s wrong? It saddens me to know you’re so sad. It’s beautiful that you have so much love for your father. Thank you for the comment, would you like someone to talk to?
Reply
:iconroguelucifer:
Roguelucifer Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student General Artist
<3 thank you for your kind words. It's rare that people respond with anything other than calling me emo or something. And I'd love that ^_^ it's always nice to talk to somebody kind.
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
I don't like how so many people choose to be mean over being kind. It's really not that hard to try to be understanding. How has your day been? =)
Reply
:iconlunetca:
Lunetca Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
So many feels! But I'm not sure I understand the crux of the poem, the knife part and who he hugs...
Reply
:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Unfortunately the dad commits suicide and he does it so he can be back with his daughter (who happens to be the author). Does that help? Thank you for your comment =)
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:iconlunetca:
Lunetca Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
That does help. You're most welcome for the comment, such a masterpiece!
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:iconkatearz14:
KatEarz14 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student General Artist
He killed himself so he could be with her again....Or at least that's what i got out of it. I'm pretty sure that's right though.
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:iconlunetca:
Lunetca Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I feel dull for not catching that xP Thanks!
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:iconkatearz14:
KatEarz14 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student General Artist
Lol not at all!! Just happily minded ^u^
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:iconlunetca:
Lunetca Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Hm, interesting observation
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:iconkatearz14:
KatEarz14 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student General Artist
I am.... interesting ._.'
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:iconlunetca:
Lunetca Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Aren't we all?
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:iconkatearz14:
KatEarz14 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student General Artist
:icontrueplz:
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:iconbellschan:
bellschan Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
Wow... this is really awsome. I wish I could have a daddy that loves me like this D:
Reply
:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Don't we all? But it would be best if they continued on with their lives. Thank you for your comment =)
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:iconbellschan:
bellschan Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
you're right... thank you, for posting this .. <3
Reply
:iconashtheawesome12401:
Ashtheawesome12401 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
I like this
I almost cried
Although it doesn't have full rhythm it's still lovely
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconashtheawesome12401:
Ashtheawesome12401 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
your welcomes :meow:
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:iconbladebites:
BladeBites Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Beautiful.~ However, I believe where it says "Into the ground is now where she lays..." is it should say in the ground. c:
Brought tears to my eyes, it's just beautiful.
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Oh my, I didn’t even notice that! I’ve changed it now, thank you so much!
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:iconbladebites:
BladeBites Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Very welcome. ^-^
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:iconclawddraculaurafan10:
clawddraculaurafan10 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
This is just so deep so sad, and very well written I've always liked sad poems, I have a thing for them, I wrote a poem for my father when he leaved us and I thought that was sad, but this is not sad this is full of emotion,of regret, of meaning this awesome! I love it! X3
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:iconmurderinslowmotion:
murderinslowmotion Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
I’m sorry to hear about your father and I’m sure your poem is filled with just as much emotion even if it happens to only be you who fully understand it. Is this poem on your profile? I would like to read it =). Thank you for your kind words.
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:iconclawddraculaurafan10:
clawddraculaurafan10 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
No it's not there I don't know if I should upload it,I will X3 :D. No problem,it's a great poem.
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:iconlivelovelifeeleni:
LivelovelifeEleni Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
i felt like crying
such a beautiful and well written ;n; ,/3
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